Let go & let God

“I cannot tell you what will happen from here, but I can tell you that it matters that you are approaching this season with intentionality. I can tell you that despite the ocean of uncertainty that seems as though it could consume you, breath by breath, you are learning to take this wave by wave and that matters. The courage you are practising here matters. And even though it might not feel like it in the moment, you are still being prepared for all that is to come” – @morganharpernichols

Long time no blogpost! Life has been happening on all fronts – especially since my husband had his kidney transplant in April, only a few a days after our third embryo transfer had failed. The night we got the call, I had asked God to give me a sign and I did not expect he would give me such a huge sign! The main reason why we are on this infertility journey is to do with my husband’s kidney failure and subsequent dialysis (for over 10 years!) which no doubt affected his fertility.

In a space of 36 hours, that all changed, our whole life changed and I had never even imagined a life with my husband not on dialysis and yet he we are. Words are simply not enough to express my/our joy at the prospect of a life reimagined. I feel like this was God’s way of telling me that I must be still and know that he is God – that he is aligning everything for us so when we do have babies, my husband will be home with me in the evenings and not at dialysis. He is aligning things for us so that my husband can be in good/better health and live a better quality of life. God is aligning things so my husband can be the father that he wants to be not the husband who is bound to his kidney failure and all the protocol around that because his life depends on it. God came through for me/us in such an incredible way, I will never forget that day as long as I live.

God also decided that it was time to sort out my back pain issue and in the time my husband has been recovering (and us taking a break from IVF), I was able to finally get a date on the NHS for the gallbladder removal surgery I needed and I am also recovering from that and hoping that I will be able to live pain free from now on. Everything is coming together and it’s given me a lot to think about and time to re-evaluate how we move forward not just on the baby-making front but with our lives in general. I feel even more compelled to live intentionally. New possibilities definitely offer perspective and I feel it is time for me to slow things down where unfertility is concerned.

I have been talking about my journey since June 2019 and I have met wonderful women who have been willing to share their stories with me. I will forever be grateful for the bonds I have now and the opportunities I’ve had with unfertility and I hope these continue to come as I do want to keep the work alive. But as far as the podcast goes and me continuing to blog and share my story, unfortunately this will all be ceasing soon. (3 final episodes to go). I used to spend the nights my husband was at dialysis doing all the podcasting and blogging and now that he is home everyday with me, for the first time in our entire relationship, I genuinely just want to focus on HOME, on him, on us, on our marriage. I want to be present with him in this new space of our relationship that we both never imagined would become real.

We are also taking a break from IVF for a long while (something we had decided after the last failed embryo transfer) and I just want to enjoy that without having to dip back in – mentally and emotionally – into the infertility space. To be honest, I just want to feel like everything is normal while we are taking this break – because what has happened to us is a very good thing and it needs to be honoured regardless of our other unmet desires. And more than before, I have found it quite hard to revisit our story and our journey – something about regurgitating such a long and painful experience just doesn’t sit well within me anymore. And I always said when things start to feel like this, I will stop. I think I’m at a crossroad where the trauma from the whole experience is now greater than the perceived benefit of sharing my story. And I’m okay with that – I am only human after all.

But as I said, I am still very much keen to contribute & collaborate on one-off projects (rather than continuous projects) so you will still see/hear me doing some work around infertility and IVF every now and then. From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who received me and my story well, who encouraged me, who prayed for me, who sent me gifts, messages, affirmations. The TTC & IVF community changed my life and I’m pretty sure I would not have coped without all the lovely ladies I’ve connected with on instagram. The BIGGEST of love from me, now & always. And remember, even though it might not feel like it in the moment, you are still being prepared for all that is to come.

Noni x

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