Faithful To The End

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful” – Hebrews 10 v 23

I say this all the time…  I wasn’t always this believer (in God). I believed in a higher power of some sort and felt no need to be definitive about that. And I strongly believed that I am, everyone is, the orchestrator of their own life. What you put in is what you get out. But after a couple of years of putting in the work to get pregnant, my once fool proof belief systems started to the unravel at the seams. I don’t doubt for a second that God put me through all of this to remind me that HE IS. Yes I can live intentionally, yes I am a good person, yes I put in the work but this thing we call life is not all linear. There are some detours and obstacles that we don’t ask for and I don’t necessarily believe that God intentionally tries to make things difficult for me but what I do believe is that he does help me get through it – and usually in ways that make no logical sense at all. A non-linear solution for non-linear problems.

A year and a half ago, I would have never referenced God, His love, His light, His might, His promise in anything. But even through all of that, he remained faithful and kept showing up for me even when I wasn’t showing up for Him. I have seen God’s work in my mother’s life, raising my sister and I as a single parent, I have seen God’s hand in my own life, but still, it took a struggle get me on my knees and back to him. It took a struggle to strip me off my worldly pride and wisdom and surrender to Him. The fact that people write to me now and say things like “thank you for your Godly joy” still stops me dead in my tracks because I literally no longer recognise my former self. As if this wasn’t all well and good, God said ‘I want to take things up a notch’ and led my spirit to hosting IG lives with 3 wonderful women who spoke to my spirit in ways that a bible verse or sermon couldn’t have. And I am forever changed by the conviction and trust in God’s promise that these women showed.

@vanessahaye is generally just a force to be reckoned with and the same is true for her faith in God. When we first started speaking, Vanessa mentioned God a lot and I was still going through the transition. Fast-forward to our IG live and I remember finishing the live thinking, well damn Noni… you think you believe but you set limits on your expectations from God. During her IVF journey, Vanessa challenged God and told Him that if He blessed her with a child, she would praise His name for the rest of her life. First of all, I was like wait, I can challenge God like that? If you watch the live you will learn quickly that Vanessa does not come out here to play! I was so moved by this concept that a relationship with God is two-way, it is not just about one-sidedly hoping conservatively that God gives you want you want in abundance (this is also okay) but it can also be an exchange where you tell God what it is that you want and say God I am going to do my part, and leave you to do your part. I then realised that for a very long time, I had equated believing in God to mean relinquishing all my authority over my own life. Vanessa made me realise that, no no honey, God wants you to OWN the authority you have over your life but he wants you to give HIM the glory.

@faithledfertility’s story is one that needed to be heard. With all Dannika has been through, she is the most upbeat full of life sister in this journey, always hopeful and always looking for ways she can be better and do better to increase her chances at motherhood and always so willing to share the knowledge. I was moved by Dannika’s unwavering trust in God, after multiple miscarriages she is still holding onto God’s promise. Hearing Dannika’s story, comforted me and if I do happen to this in this for a long run, Dannika’s faith will remind me that not all is lost. Dannika made me realise that I was only at the beginning of my journey because unlike Dannika I have never been pregnant. And as we all know, the story as far as struggles and anxieties go, does not end once you are pregnant. This is not to say I expect to be this in struggle forever but seeing her and connecting with her made me realise that however the story unfolds, I am going to be okay. This was the affirmation I didn’t know I would need weeks later when my pregnancy test after the first embryo transfer came up negative.

@themissusv’s story added a different angle of the journey to motherhood. As I said before, the struggles do not always end once you are pregnant and this was certainly true in her case. I knew nothing about the world of premature babies and when you are trying to conceive you get so caught up with getting that positive pregnancy test that you just don’t have the capacity to consider the actual pregnancy. I am grateful to Nyasha for always speaking openly to me about her pregnancy because I am one of those people who prefers to know things that could potentially happen (I know that is not for everyone). In our IG live Nyasha spoke with the same openness only this time it just felt so much closer to home because she was speaking as a mother, a mother who had spent 78 days in a preemie ward with her daughter, with zero guarantees about anything. Much like infertility, we don’t talk enough about all the unexpected things can happen once you are pregnant. And again, Nyasha held onto God. I just think there are certain things where science will not be enough, the love of a partner/family will not be enough, your wisdom or good nature will not be enough. There are things that require something so much bigger than us. I felt this in Nyasha’s story and it affirmed my journey back to God.

I want to thank my sisters @vanessahaye @faithledfertility @themissusv for holding space with me on Instagram live and inviting God to the conversation. In the same way God was using me to shed light on your unconventional stories, God was using you as testimonies to show me who He is. To show me what he can do if I expect it, if I believe it, if I ask him for it. I said a while ago that I actually hadn’t prayed the prayer asking God for a baby – I was being so conservative in my faith. But I know now that big big faith gets big big things. And God is not a God of small things. The Man likes to show off! And me too I should meet him on his level with violent faith. Boundless expectation for a boundless God. I don’t say this to imply that everyone needs God. But I need him. I have never needed him more. My friends and family love me but no one can give me the peace/healing I need in this journey, no one’s love is like His, no one’s promise is like His.

He is faithful, to the very end.

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